The other night I had a dream – I was first on B&H’s D800 shipping list. Like many journeys into the mind, however, it soon took an unexpected turn. The following is the conversation that transpired. Warning: Some may find this disturbing.
Bob: I am so glad to see you! Do you know how many others would sell their right eye to get their hands on you?
D800: It is indeed good to be the king!
Bob: I don’t even have to wait until I charge one of your batteries, as you use my existing EN-EL15s! Ok, let’s head out and see what you can do!
D800: Whoa, Bobby! Hold on here, champ. Aren’t you rushing things a bit?
D800: We are family now, right?
Bob: I suppose so.
D800: Let’s step back a bit. First off, you aren’t actually going to put one of those DX lenses on me, are you?
Bob: Well, that was the idea. After all, you do have a usable DX crop mode, don’t you? And the Sigma 17-50mm 2.8 O/S is an outstanding lens, highly regarded for its sharpness.
D800: Sure, but do you really want to attach that DX lens, put me into crop mode, and throw a good bit of my glorious pixels away right off the bat? What a waste!
Bob: Well, that does seem a bit harsh, I suppose.
D800: What about the Nikon 16-35mm f/4 VR or a member of the Nikon Trinity – the 14-24mm 2.8? You do want me to have the best, don’t you?
Bob: Absolutely! You deserve nothing less!
D800: Now you are talking! Ok, well, let’s navigate to B&H’s site, and get one of these puppies on order!
Bob logs onto B&H website via Mansurov’s link, and navigates to the appropriate page.
Bob: Ok, considering I want to use filters, I am probably better off with the 16-35mm f/4 VR. Ok, time to order!
D800: Hold on a minute. What about a clear glass or UV filter? Why risk something striking the front of your lens and turning it into a paperweight?
Bob: I can borrow one of my existing filters for now.
D800: And risk impugning my reputation as the resolution champ? Ain’t happening, pal… How about that Heliopan 77mm clear filter?
Bob: Hmmm… It’s a bit pricey, isn’t it?
D800: So let me see if I understand this – you are going to take the world’s most sought after camera into the field, with one of Nikon’s best lenses, put something other than the best filter on the lens, and produce sub-optimal images on day one of our partnership? With the millions of people beating down your email inbox to see my potential? Surely, you jest…
Bob: Yeah, I can see your point. Heliopan 77mm clear filter – quantity of 1. Checkout time!
D800: Aren’t we forgetting something? How about replacing the other clear filters on your 24-70mm 2.8 and 70-200mm 2.8 VR II?
Bob: Failing to replace them would be rather criminal, huh?
D800: Pretty close…
Bob: Sigh… ok … Heliopan 77mm clear filter – quantity of 3. That’s everything, right?
D800: Well, I didn’t want to bring this up, but that neoprene case from your D7000 seems to be a bit too snug on my athletic physique, doesn’t it? And you certainly don’t want to use an older, fraying camera strap on me do you?
Bob: The neoprene case isn’t that tight, is it? And what about that brand new Nikon strap that came with you?
D800: So you intend to strap me into the photographic equivalent of a girdle? You realize that no one other than Nikon fanboys, begging for attention when out in the field, actually use those Nikon logo camera straps, don’t you? Real photographers get rid of them when sell their equipment without ever taking them out of their plastic covers. Just what are you thinking?
Bob: I can see your point. Ok, how about an Op/Tech neoprene case that will fit a larger DSLR body, and this strap, here?
D800: The case is ok, but I had my heart set on one of those Heavy Leather NYC Classic straps. They are real classics – they even use the word in their product name!
Bob: Won’t one of those more moderately priced straps do?
D800: Look, buddy – you paid good money for me. And now you want to cut corners to save a few measly bucks on the very item that maintains the connection between us?
Bob: Forgive me. What could I possibly be thinking? Heavy Leather NYC Classic strap – quantity of 1.
D800: It is the right thing to do.
Bob: Whew! Now it is time to check out.
D800: I don’t suppose you have you thought about a new 8 layer carbon fiber tripod and ball head?
Bob: Huh? I have an existing 6 layer carbon fiber tripod and a pretty good ball head as well.
D800: DXO crowns me with the distinction of having the best sensor in world, and you want to skimp on 2 extra layers of carbon fiber to support me? Hello….
Bob: Sigh… well, perhaps you are right – why risk some blurry pictures from current world champ of resolution over a few bucks?
D800: You know, I was a bit worried when I first showed up at your house, but I think you are starting to catch on. Grab that Induro 8X CT214. It’s a steal!
Bob: Ok, in the basket it goes.
D800: How about that Novoflex ClassicBall 5 ball head?
Bob: You realize that I do have a mortgage to pay, right?
D800: Ok, I can compromise a bit. Order the Arca-Swiss Monoball Z1 and be done with it!
Bob: Arca-Swiss Monoball Z1 – quantity of 1.
D800: And don’t forget an extra plate!
Bob: Finally – check out time!
D800: Not so fast, bucko – what about CF memory cards?
Bob: I have a number of them from my D300 that I can repurpose.
D800: No can do. You see, part of my current DSLR supremacy is based on the fact that I can capture extraordinary resolution. If you want the privilege of zooming so far into someone’s eye as to clearly see the rods and cones, you will need to pony up for additional storage space. And I need plenty of it! Now mosey on over to the page for the Extreme Reach Pro 64GB cards, and add 3 to your basket.
Bob: Gulp! You realize that these cost more than twice as much as the average car payment, don’t you? What’s next, a new computer and few extra hard drives?
D800: Now that you mention it, I believe your old quad core computer is starting to show its age. 9GB of RAM was fine in its day, and a few terabytes of storage seemed like more than you would ever need, but the megapixel masterpieces I deliver will take quite a bit more processing power and storage space than you currently have. Just to be safe, why don’t you set aside another $1,500 for a new computer and few extra hard drives? Oh, and that monitor… 25 inches is ok, but, I am capable of 36MP images. Do you really want to scrimp on being able to see the true splendor and detail of the images I can produce? Add another $1,000 for a high end 30 inch monitor as well.
D800: Don’t go chintzy on me, now, Bobby! You have been doing pretty well so far! After all, you do aspire to be a great photographer, truly worthy of my groundbreaking capabilities, don’t you? Greatness costs money, you know.
Bob: Alright, already! Extreme Reach Pro 64GB cards – quantity of 3. Note to self – put aside another $2,500 for new computer, monitor, and hard drives. Now can we check out? You realize that my basket total is just under $4,000 and the computer and hard drives will likely add another $2,500! $6,500, on top of the $3,000 you cost me, and I haven’t even taken one photo yet!
D800: Look, you don’t want me to call B&H and tell them that I am not being treated well, do you? I mean, it’s not like there aren’t thousands of people around the globe that wouldn’t die to have me, you know. I have a wireless connection within my body that enables me to connect to your home network, log into B&H with my own personal account, and send messages. It is called an “undocumented feature”.
Bob: Wow! You can do that? I don’t recall reading about this in the D800 manual.
D800: Think about it. Did you really think Nikon or B&H was going to risk putting me in the hands of someone unwilling to give me a good home and shower me with the accessories I deserve?
Bob: Well, I wouldn’t want you to leave. I have been dreaming of you for quite some time. And you clearly are the DSLR I, and so many others, have been praying for.
D800: Now you are talking! I would have hated to turn you in, Bobby. You seem like a reasonable guy, even if you are a bit slow.
Bob: Do you suppose we could take a few photos now?
D800: Not just yet. Let’s get back to B&H’s site. I’ve been looking at riding along inside a brand new Lowepro Pro Trekker 600 AW backpack!